Thursday, March 31, 2011

A Fresh Start

I'm changing my life -

after almost dying after a night of heavy drinking this all became to much for me. i stopped purging and i'm trying to stop laxatives. im working out everyday. i left my boyfriend. i'm starting new - and need your help. if you are recovering, or know someone who is, please follow my new blog. You can find it on my profile.
If you need and want help recovering from your ED, please follow my new blog. Get in contact with me. Maybe we can work together!

Together, we are stronger!

Monday, February 14, 2011


So today was my first time using laxatives. it didnt go as well as i had hoped.
After a lot of research i realised how dangerous they really are. i decided i would only use them when i needed them, like before a hot date night or before a photoshoot - times when i desired a flat stomach and i wanted to be swept clean. Of course, it beng v day and all i do have a date tonight.
I use suppository ones. its so nasty using them and stuff but they were the only ones that claimed they work in less than an hour. and i guess its a good thing because it'll prevent me from popping a whole box, right?
Lately i havent purged in a very long time. I've just been using the chew n spit technique and the laxatives. plus i've been going to hot yoga almost every day. its going really well i really like it :) it keeps me busy and keeps me from constantly punishing myself for what i look like in relation to what my goals are.
things in my life were going really well.. i had a really bad last few days though :( i hope things get better for me, and soon. i also hope i lose weight because i have gained all my weight back in muscle from all the yoga. im trying to be patient though, and realising that it takes time for the best of things to happen. and lots of hard work.

Friday, January 28, 2011

Chew N Spit Technique

After a very frightening and deadly incident, my ED got the best of me.
I was being stupid, and drunk and almost took my life while purging - i ripped my throat so bad its still hurts. and its been two weeks now.
i joined hot yoga, tried being ana, and ate healthy, but i fell off the wagon.
then just earlier tonight, i was starting a binge when i realised something i should've a long time ago - the chew n spit technique.
basically, you chew your food then spit it out. yes its that easy. and because you dont actually ingest the food, you dont gain weight. but when it comes to sugary and carb-loaded foods, a lot of it will absorb through your spit. so i found that having a glass of water beside me helped. i would first spit out the sugary goodness, then before swallowing my spit i would swish around a tiny bit of water and spit it out.
it only really sounds gross if you're not mia. because we all know nothing is nastier than purging. (atleast in the beginning)
anyways im still going to hot yoga almost everyday and i do eat when i go, and i eat when i work, then i always have a little bit of something heavy in my stomach that takes awhile to digest so i always have enough energy to make it through the day. but when i want to binge or i crave something sweet, i do the chew n spit technique so i wont gain any.
i hope this helps you guys! thanks for reading! :D

Thursday, January 20, 2011


Sometimes its better to be alone.

I'm still trying to recover from the weekend. I went out to the club with my boyfriend and someone spiked my drink. I managed to throw the drink out and purge, but something even worse happened. my boyfriend got aggresive, and i still have a bruise where my head hit the wall.
I told him to leave me alone. He hasn't really as much as I wish he would. I didn't break things off because he's mentally unstable and who knows what he would've done. My whole family is scared, and his is too.
Another shitty thing that happened on the weekend - i tore the back of my throat purging. it hurt so bad for days i couldnt purge or anything. So i tried to refrain from eating. anyways my throat is more healed now but i feel really shitty about myself - not being able to purge and having no one to share my life with.
I don't know what to do... I know that taking him back would be the biggest mistake of my life.
So I guess I'm just trying to make it through... day by day....

Tuesday, January 4, 2011


I think my body hates me.
It feels like it... I just feel crappy all the time.
Also I havent been able to purge the last 2 days its really starting to worry me. I feel it come up part way, then it sort of gets stuck and goes back down. I even tried hard alchohol (by the way only use this as your very LAST resort.... it is painful and the worst taste in the world!!)
I've gained 3 pounds in the last two days because of this. I don't know why this is happening to me now, when now i need to lose weight more than ever.
I guess my main worry is that I won't reach my end goal of 115. Now I need to lose 10 pounds in less than a month. It seems overwhelming, and I know its going to be hard.... but I also know that the only thing more difficult than reaching my goal is failure..

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Expanding my Mia/Ana Network

So it has happened. I have given in to my chocolate cravings and I've purged again. I made sure I checked my throat to make sure there was no damage first though. Luckily, it looked safe so i went for it.
this happened a few days ago. but lately i've been feeling that i've had rotten breath, and right now my throat hurts. I've decided that this is too hard to keep on doing alone, i need more support.
I'm reaching out to others now, I'm looking for ana buddies especially. it seems that if i can control the binging, i can just purge less and i'll stop hurting myself so much. also i really seem to lose weight the less often i b/p as long as if i keep a good control on what i eat.
but i think the most important thing right now is reaching my goals. i want to get my life back on track. i want to start overacheiving with everything and living a good balanced life, i want to be able to get out of bed before 7am everyday again. this starts with a good nights sleep, so i must go.
but the most important of all.... i want to start working out alot again, and i want to meet my goal weight of 115 pounds for february 1st. i want you guys to meet your goals too, so make sure you post a comment here with your blog address or send me a message on here.
success comes easier with teamwork. what a cheesy (but true) line.