Friday, December 31, 2010

New Years Resolution

This year I'm doing something called a 30 day goal challenge.
I'm going to write down my current weight, and then my goal weight i want to acheive for february 1st.
i'm going to do whatever i can to meet my goal! this is a short-term New Years Resolution I thought I'd share.
You guys can do it too! feel free to leave a comment with your start weight and your goal weight.
let me begin!:

SW: 122

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Mia to Ana; Hungry as Hell

So you're probably wondering why I'm not bulimic anymore... its just a temporary thing, I promise you (and myself!) that.
Last night I was trying to purge and I was having a difficult time doing so all day. Usually when I have a hard time, I just chug whiskey or gin straight until I gag and then purge. It works everytime.
Unfortunately I couldn't sneak any booze because of guests. So i tried extra hard, when i did I hit the back of my throat HARD. My body froze for a minute, and I started bleeding - the bleeding didn't last very long, and there was only about an ounce (shotglass) worth. It was scary as hell though.
The back of my throat hurts so bad and is so swollen... I'm scared to purge. So I'm dieting strictly, starting today.
Today I've only had a little yogurt cup and a serving of scrambled eggs and veggies. Im doing well so far, but im hungry again... so im going to go to the kitchen and eat an apple or orange. then im going to work out!
wish me luck guys... the next week or so is going to be really difficult for me. So I'll be writing posts in here regularily. Last time I weighed myself nekked I was 122.2 now I'm 122.6... damnit! Oh well, i understand that as I begin to work out more often, the number on the scale may get higher. I'm willinging to go through that, just as long as my measurements go down...


Saturday, December 25, 2010

Holiday Cheer and Fighting Decay

So the last few days have been pretty good for me.
I've been so busy with my family I haven't had time to zone out on my laptop at all
So i finally come here with the time to post about my holiday.
It has been pretty good, I've managed to actually lose a pound!
Whenever I ate a family dinner, i would just take small amounts of my favourite foods - and i spread them across my plate so it looked like a lot of food. then when eating the food, I'd have a glass of wine with it - i would take a small bite, then a sip of wine. its the only way i really enjoy drinking wine, really.
I also found it relatively easy to purge the past two days.
Last night was xmas eve, and because there wasn't a lock on the bathroom door i didn't risk purging there. I saved the chocolate and high-fattening stuff to eat for right before i left. as soon as i got home, my parents were too busy watching a xmas movie to pay attention to what i was doing so i went and purged. nobody suspected a thing!
just tonight the celebration was at my place. this made it pretty easy for me because i have all the hygeine care i need here. so i followed the same pattern and nobody could hear a thing over the celebration.
After the family left, I got on here to post on this. I also did some research about what some of the people at the ED society were wondering about.
I googled "ways to counteract tooth decay in an acidic diet" and i got thise webpage:
basically, translated to information you guys can use, its best to brush your teeth BEFORE purging. then, after you done, make sure you rinse your mouth out well with water or even better, a flouride mouthwash. i prefer mine without alchohol. It says doing this will help reduce the amount of erosion caused by acid but if you brush your teeth after you have a chance of wearing down the enamel because the acid softens it, and the bristles wear down on it. this was very helpful for me!

In my other world, things with the man... I'm still breaking up with him. I'm going to give back the present he bought me so he can use the money to get ahead. an issue that i never thought about before was his parents. they are some of the nicest people i know and they care about me - they'v shown it time and time again. I hope this break up doesn't hurt them

but other than that, these past few days have been great. they've been busy too, and i've enjoyed spending time with family. life is pretty good, and it finally feels as if things are starting to come together again

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Lost Love Inwards and Out

Today has been a weird day for me. it would just seem ordinary but the theme has been strange.
I found myself daydreaming about what it would be like to be single again. I want to be so bad.
The problem is, i tried dumping my boyfriend for the hundreth time this year. I don't get why he won't take no for an answer. He always says "you'll regret this later, don't do this" or "you know you don't actually mean that, you're just pissed off" or "you can't leave me. I'm not losing you"
I don't get this at all. you think that after the second or maybe even third time someone would understand they're not wanted?
As you can plainly tell, I don't love him anymore. I say it back on the phone, but only because he'll scream if i don't. I'm lying to both of us here, i must leave him.
He's not the only one I don't love anymore. The amount of self-esteem I've lost from this relationship is unbelievable. Everytime I look in the mirror, I wonder why I wasn't good enough. Why he needed to be with all those other women. And why I continued letting him control me like this. I've just wanted my life back and to be able to be myself, not who he wants me to be (which isn't good enough, by the way). I've obsessed over my weight and measurements because it is what I can control, I can't control the fact that I'm not tall enough to be a model. I can control what I do though, which is one thing I've learned. So I lose weight and I purge. I keep on doing it until I feel satisfied, but I've created a monster now. I used to be confident and independant, now I have nothing. I know it's my fault that this relationship has carried on this long and I want to hurt myself because of it. I want to cut, or burn. But I've never cut before, and I don't want to get it wrong; I don't want to end up in the hospital or dead. I just want to stop feeling this pain and guilt, I want to feel like I have control over my life again. I want him gone, and I want my body to be free of scars when he leaves.

BMI: 20.3

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Getting Up After a Fall

So today was a pretty stressful day for me.
Today was the 15th (I'm just still awake... just thinkin n stuff). In case I hadn't shared earlier, today was the day my boyfriend moved out.
It was really a tough one, he didn't really have a place to go, but he was using me and my family and he was being abusive. i guess the hardest part is thinking of all the good times we have had together, which is why a part of me wanted him to stay, but the rest wanted him to go. he was so awful to me the last week or two, he would come home at midnight drunk, pin me to the couch and yell in my face for a few hours. he would guilt trip me for not letting him stay, telling me its why he's so stressed out. i know for sure that he isn't the type of person i want to spend my life with, or even very much longer. i hope that spending time apart will make this break easier for me.
But that hasn't been all I've been thinking about, of course. I've lately been thinking about how much mia is doing for me, good and bad. I think about the confidence i feel when i put on a cute little outfit, how my clothes look so much better on me now. but i also think about the "brainwashing" that eating disorders do. they constantly make me feel fat and insignificant, they destroy my confidence as much as they boost it. it's like being bipolar. i guess that is the best way to put it. I took a week or so to take a bit of a breather from mia. i didnt stop completely but just enough to give myself a break. lately i've been having issues with my stomach and throat, i have ulcers now i'm pretty sure. It feels like im in pain constantly, but it's a nice change from the pains i go through regularily, whether they're caused from my relationship or memories that are just resurfacing now.
i think my biggest realization today was that you can't help somebody who doesn't want to help themselves. and sometimes, a push (big or little) just isn't enough. sometimes you need to kick someone when they're down if it means they'll want to get back up again. i guess some people may have think they've hit they're bottom, and life couldn't get any worse. they get so caught up in feeling awful that they forget to do what's right to get ahead. so sometimes, the only way you can help a person in this situation is to move them down further so they actually do something for themselves. you know you've hit the true bottom when all you can go is up. i know exactly how this feels, where he is and what it's like, which is why i saved it as a last resort. I hope he does what is right for him so it makes it easier to do what's right for me!