Thursday, December 16, 2010

Getting Up After a Fall

So today was a pretty stressful day for me.
Today was the 15th (I'm just still awake... just thinkin n stuff). In case I hadn't shared earlier, today was the day my boyfriend moved out.
It was really a tough one, he didn't really have a place to go, but he was using me and my family and he was being abusive. i guess the hardest part is thinking of all the good times we have had together, which is why a part of me wanted him to stay, but the rest wanted him to go. he was so awful to me the last week or two, he would come home at midnight drunk, pin me to the couch and yell in my face for a few hours. he would guilt trip me for not letting him stay, telling me its why he's so stressed out. i know for sure that he isn't the type of person i want to spend my life with, or even very much longer. i hope that spending time apart will make this break easier for me.
But that hasn't been all I've been thinking about, of course. I've lately been thinking about how much mia is doing for me, good and bad. I think about the confidence i feel when i put on a cute little outfit, how my clothes look so much better on me now. but i also think about the "brainwashing" that eating disorders do. they constantly make me feel fat and insignificant, they destroy my confidence as much as they boost it. it's like being bipolar. i guess that is the best way to put it. I took a week or so to take a bit of a breather from mia. i didnt stop completely but just enough to give myself a break. lately i've been having issues with my stomach and throat, i have ulcers now i'm pretty sure. It feels like im in pain constantly, but it's a nice change from the pains i go through regularily, whether they're caused from my relationship or memories that are just resurfacing now.
i think my biggest realization today was that you can't help somebody who doesn't want to help themselves. and sometimes, a push (big or little) just isn't enough. sometimes you need to kick someone when they're down if it means they'll want to get back up again. i guess some people may have think they've hit they're bottom, and life couldn't get any worse. they get so caught up in feeling awful that they forget to do what's right to get ahead. so sometimes, the only way you can help a person in this situation is to move them down further so they actually do something for themselves. you know you've hit the true bottom when all you can go is up. i know exactly how this feels, where he is and what it's like, which is why i saved it as a last resort. I hope he does what is right for him so it makes it easier to do what's right for me!

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