Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Lost Love Inwards and Out

Today has been a weird day for me. it would just seem ordinary but the theme has been strange.
I found myself daydreaming about what it would be like to be single again. I want to be so bad.
The problem is, i tried dumping my boyfriend for the hundreth time this year. I don't get why he won't take no for an answer. He always says "you'll regret this later, don't do this" or "you know you don't actually mean that, you're just pissed off" or "you can't leave me. I'm not losing you"
I don't get this at all. you think that after the second or maybe even third time someone would understand they're not wanted?
As you can plainly tell, I don't love him anymore. I say it back on the phone, but only because he'll scream if i don't. I'm lying to both of us here, i must leave him.
He's not the only one I don't love anymore. The amount of self-esteem I've lost from this relationship is unbelievable. Everytime I look in the mirror, I wonder why I wasn't good enough. Why he needed to be with all those other women. And why I continued letting him control me like this. I've just wanted my life back and to be able to be myself, not who he wants me to be (which isn't good enough, by the way). I've obsessed over my weight and measurements because it is what I can control, I can't control the fact that I'm not tall enough to be a model. I can control what I do though, which is one thing I've learned. So I lose weight and I purge. I keep on doing it until I feel satisfied, but I've created a monster now. I used to be confident and independant, now I have nothing. I know it's my fault that this relationship has carried on this long and I want to hurt myself because of it. I want to cut, or burn. But I've never cut before, and I don't want to get it wrong; I don't want to end up in the hospital or dead. I just want to stop feeling this pain and guilt, I want to feel like I have control over my life again. I want him gone, and I want my body to be free of scars when he leaves.

BMI: 20.3

No comments:

Post a Comment