Chew N Spit Technique

After a very frightening and deadly incident, my ED got the best of me.
I was being stupid, and drunk and almost took my life while purging - i ripped my throat so bad its still hurts. and its been two weeks now.
i joined hot yoga, tried being ana, and ate healthy, but i fell off the wagon.
then just earlier tonight, i was starting a binge when i realised something i should've a long time ago - the chew n spit technique.
basically, you chew your food then spit it out. yes its that easy. and because you dont actually ingest the food, you dont gain weight. but when it comes to sugary and carb-loaded foods, a lot of it will absorb through your spit. so i found that having a glass of water beside me helped. i would first spit out the sugary goodness, then before swallowing my spit i would swish around a tiny bit of water and spit it out.
it only really sounds gross if you're not mia. because we all know nothing is nastier than purging. (atleast in the beginning)
anyways im still going to hot yoga almost everyday and i do eat when i go, and i eat when i work, then i always have a little bit of something heavy in my stomach that takes awhile to digest so i always have enough energy to make it through the day. but when i want to binge or i crave something sweet, i do the chew n spit technique so i wont gain any.
i hope this helps you guys! thanks for reading! :D

Loneliness

Sometimes its better to be alone.

I'm still trying to recover from the weekend. I went out to the club with my boyfriend and someone spiked my drink. I managed to throw the drink out and purge, but something even worse happened. my boyfriend got aggresive, and i still have a bruise where my head hit the wall.
I told him to leave me alone. He hasn't really as much as I wish he would. I didn't break things off because he's mentally unstable and who knows what he would've done. My whole family is scared, and his is too.
Another shitty thing that happened on the weekend - i tore the back of my throat purging. it hurt so bad for days i couldnt purge or anything. So i tried to refrain from eating. anyways my throat is more healed now but i feel really shitty about myself - not being able to purge and having no one to share my life with.
I don't know what to do... I know that taking him back would be the biggest mistake of my life.
So I guess I'm just trying to make it through... day by day....

Hate

I think my body hates me.
It feels like it... I just feel crappy all the time.
Also I havent been able to purge the last 2 days its really starting to worry me. I feel it come up part way, then it sort of gets stuck and goes back down. I even tried hard alchohol (by the way only use this as your very LAST resort.... it is painful and the worst taste in the world!!)
I've gained 3 pounds in the last two days because of this. I don't know why this is happening to me now, when now i need to lose weight more than ever.
I guess my main worry is that I won't reach my end goal of 115. Now I need to lose 10 pounds in less than a month. It seems overwhelming, and I know its going to be hard.... but I also know that the only thing more difficult than reaching my goal is failure..

Expanding my Mia/Ana Network

So it has happened. I have given in to my chocolate cravings and I've purged again. I made sure I checked my throat to make sure there was no damage first though. Luckily, it looked safe so i went for it.
this happened a few days ago. but lately i've been feeling that i've had rotten breath, and right now my throat hurts. I've decided that this is too hard to keep on doing alone, i need more support.
I'm reaching out to others now, I'm looking for ana buddies especially. it seems that if i can control the binging, i can just purge less and i'll stop hurting myself so much. also i really seem to lose weight the less often i b/p as long as if i keep a good control on what i eat.
but i think the most important thing right now is reaching my goals. i want to get my life back on track. i want to start overacheiving with everything and living a good balanced life, i want to be able to get out of bed before 7am everyday again. this starts with a good nights sleep, so i must go.
but the most important of all.... i want to start working out alot again, and i want to meet my goal weight of 115 pounds for february 1st. i want you guys to meet your goals too, so make sure you post a comment here with your blog address or send me a message on here.
success comes easier with teamwork. what a cheesy (but true) line.

New Years Resolution

This year I'm doing something called a 30 day goal challenge.
I'm going to write down my current weight, and then my goal weight i want to acheive for february 1st.
i'm going to do whatever i can to meet my goal! this is a short-term New Years Resolution I thought I'd share.
You guys can do it too! feel free to leave a comment with your start weight and your goal weight.
let me begin!:

SW: 122
GW:115

Mia to Ana; Hungry as Hell

So you're probably wondering why I'm not bulimic anymore... its just a temporary thing, I promise you (and myself!) that.
Last night I was trying to purge and I was having a difficult time doing so all day. Usually when I have a hard time, I just chug whiskey or gin straight until I gag and then purge. It works everytime.
Unfortunately I couldn't sneak any booze because of guests. So i tried extra hard, when i did I hit the back of my throat HARD. My body froze for a minute, and I started bleeding - the bleeding didn't last very long, and there was only about an ounce (shotglass) worth. It was scary as hell though.
The back of my throat hurts so bad and is so swollen... I'm scared to purge. So I'm dieting strictly, starting today.
Today I've only had a little yogurt cup and a serving of scrambled eggs and veggies. Im doing well so far, but im hungry again... so im going to go to the kitchen and eat an apple or orange. then im going to work out!
wish me luck guys... the next week or so is going to be really difficult for me. So I'll be writing posts in here regularily. Last time I weighed myself nekked I was 122.2 now I'm 122.6... damnit! Oh well, i understand that as I begin to work out more often, the number on the scale may get higher. I'm willinging to go through that, just as long as my measurements go down...

34.5-26-37
yeah!!!

Holiday Cheer and Fighting Decay

So the last few days have been pretty good for me.
I've been so busy with my family I haven't had time to zone out on my laptop at all
So i finally come here with the time to post about my holiday.
It has been pretty good, I've managed to actually lose a pound!
Whenever I ate a family dinner, i would just take small amounts of my favourite foods - and i spread them across my plate so it looked like a lot of food. then when eating the food, I'd have a glass of wine with it - i would take a small bite, then a sip of wine. its the only way i really enjoy drinking wine, really.
I also found it relatively easy to purge the past two days.
Last night was xmas eve, and because there wasn't a lock on the bathroom door i didn't risk purging there. I saved the chocolate and high-fattening stuff to eat for right before i left. as soon as i got home, my parents were too busy watching a xmas movie to pay attention to what i was doing so i went and purged. nobody suspected a thing!
just tonight the celebration was at my place. this made it pretty easy for me because i have all the hygeine care i need here. so i followed the same pattern and nobody could hear a thing over the celebration.
After the family left, I got on here to post on this. I also did some research about what some of the people at the ED society were wondering about.
I googled "ways to counteract tooth decay in an acidic diet" and i got thise webpage:
http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2008/02/080205204535.htm
basically, translated to information you guys can use, its best to brush your teeth BEFORE purging. then, after you done, make sure you rinse your mouth out well with water or even better, a flouride mouthwash. i prefer mine without alchohol. It says doing this will help reduce the amount of erosion caused by acid but if you brush your teeth after you have a chance of wearing down the enamel because the acid softens it, and the bristles wear down on it. this was very helpful for me!

In my other world, things with the man... I'm still breaking up with him. I'm going to give back the present he bought me so he can use the money to get ahead. an issue that i never thought about before was his parents. they are some of the nicest people i know and they care about me - they'v shown it time and time again. I hope this break up doesn't hurt them

but other than that, these past few days have been great. they've been busy too, and i've enjoyed spending time with family. life is pretty good, and it finally feels as if things are starting to come together again